


Stars for Forever

by SkyFireForever



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/F, F/M, Family, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Jared Kleinman, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Connor Murphy, Other, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Trans Evan Hansen, larry is a bad parent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-14 23:33:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11793750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyFireForever/pseuds/SkyFireForever
Summary: After confessing to lying to the Murphys about Connor, Evan retreats to the orchard. He finds himself lost with nowhere else to go, until he wakes up in his own bed the day of Connor's death. Evan takes this as an opportunity to make up for his past mistakes by saving Connor, but nothing goes as he hopes.





	1. Prologue

Evan had never hated himself more than he did in this moment. He was a complete disaster, sobbing brokenly as he walked out of the Murphy house. He had lied to them, he had lied to everyone. How could he do this? Everyone hated him, of course everyone hated him. Why on Earth would anyone like him after what he did? Zoe hated him. Jared hated him. The Murphy’s hated him. Alana hated him. He hated himself most of all. He practically ran to his car, sitting in the driver’s seat and hugging his knees to his chest. He was disgusting, he was a monster. He couldn’t even bare to look at himself. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home and curl up in a big ball on his bed, falling asleep only to never wake up again. He couldn’t make himself move, he felt trapped inside of his own body, like he couldn’t move except for how his body shook with every sob. He couldn’t breathe. Everything was a mess, he was a mess, he couldn’t go home like this. He couldn’t let his mother see him like this. She would hate him, Evan just knew that she would. Everyone else hated him, why would his mother be any different? Evan had no idea how long he had been crying, it could have been hours for all he knew. He slowly stopped hyperventilating and wiped his eyes, he started the car and began driving away. He didn’t know where he was going, he just knew that he couldn’t stay here and he couldn’t go home. He just chose a direction and started driving, his mind not even truly processing where he was headed. He just drove. 

Evan only really snapped back to himself after he realized he was parked. He looked up, wondering where he had managed to drive himself to and swallowed thickly once he realized where he was. The apple orchard. The very place filled with so many lies and false memories that it made Evan feel physically ill. He had never even been here before, he just knew roughly where it was. Why had he come here? Evan supposed it didn’t matter anymore, he was here. He slowly got out of his car and pushed open the gate, walking into the orchard. He slowly started walking, seeing the trees all around him. It was almost silent, save for the various insect noises. Evan looked up at the sky, it was black, stars twinkling back at him from millions of lightyears away. He remembered what someone had told him once, that most of the stars people could see were already dead. He swallowed, finding himself transfixed by the miles and miles of twinkling lights that seemed to stretch on and on, forever. He wanted to reach out and touch them, to take a star in his hand and hold it close to him. He knew that was a ridiculous thought to have, he couldn’t fit an actual star in his hand, but he could wish. He could dream and imagine. He could imagine that he could hold a star. He could imagine that everything was okay. He could imagine that he and Connor had actually been friends. Evan had even managed to make himself believe it sometimes. 

Evan realized that he had walked deep into the orchard, there was nothing except for trees on all sides of him and stars above him. He looked around and spotted the tallest tree he could see. He started making his way towards it. He took hold of the first branch, pulling himself up and into the tree. He reached for the second branch, grabbing and pulling. The last time he had climbed a tree was when he had broken his arm. He had climbed with the hope of reaching the top, but once he was halfway up, he had stopped. He had stopped and let the weight of the whole world crash upon him. He had looked up, at the many branches above him and thought about how tired he was. It would be so hard to keep climbing. He had looked down, down at the ground below and had thought about how easy it would be to let go. So he had. He had let go, not really thinking about it. He had let himself fall until the ground caught him and he laid there, crying and broken. Evan held onto the tree tighter, he remembered thinking that he didn’t want to die, not then. He had just wanted the pressure to stop, he had just wanted to stop feeling so hopeless and useless. He had just wanted to stop thinking so much. He hadn’t really wanted to die. Evan swallowed and stopped climbing. He didn’t know what he wanted now. He looked up, up at all the branches above him. He thought about how tired he was, about how hard it would be to keep going on, to keep climbing. He looked down at the ground. He thought about how easy it would be to let go. He deserved it, after all. No one would miss him, why would they? He hurt them. They probably all wanted him gone. Evan felt his grip loosen on the branch, he felt himself falling back. He suddenly tightened his grip, pulling himself upright. He looked up, he hadn’t reached the top before. He wanted to now. He slowly grabbed the next branch, climbing and climbing. He was tired and it was hard, but he did it. He pulled himself onto the last branch and sat upon it, catching his breath.

He took deep breaths, closing his eyes and holding one hand to his chest, the other hand holding onto the tree in order to keep his balance. He slowly managed to get his breathing back to a normal rate and he looked up. All he saw was stars and it took his breath away. Miles and miles of stars, stretching further than Evan could imagine. They were still so far away, but Evan felt closer to them somehow. He felt like if he really tried, he could reach out and touch them. He felt himself smile, just gazing up at the sky above him. He looked down, saw the grass and the dirt below him. It felt miles away. The ground somehow felt further away than the sky did. If evan had let go, he wouldn’t have been able to see the stars like this. He leaned against the tree, turning his gaze upwards again. He thought of Connor. Connor never would have the chance to experience this. Connor had died alone and without anyone who truly cared about him. Evan closed his eyes, wishing that he could’ve been there for Connor, wishing that he could’ve been his friend. He wished that so many things were different. Evan found himself falling into his thoughts, reality fading away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! That was the prologue! I really hopped that you enjoyed it! Leave a comment! Comments are an author's best friend. Feedback helps us improve our writing! Let me know if you liked it or hated it!


	2. Always Looking In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wakes up and meets Connor.

Evan awoke to his alarm going off, much as he did everyday. He opened his eyes and sat up in his bed, hissing in pain when he tried to move his arm. He frowned, blinking as his mind slowly returned to full consciousness. He had been at the orchard and he’d climbed a tree. Then….anything after that, Evan didn’t remember. He frowned, blinking as he looked around his room. He didn’t remember coming home after that. Maybe it had all been a dream and he hadn’t gone to the orchard at all. It had felt so real, though. He shook his head and got out of bed, wincing as a sharp pain surged through his arm. He looked at it and found himself even more confused. There, on his arm, was a cast. It was on the arm he had broken, clear as day, unsigned. Evan was extremely confused. He didn’t have a cast anymore and when he did have a cast, Connor had signed it. What was going on? He slowly moved it around, testing when it hurt. He frowned, it felt exactly as it had after he broke it. How was that possible? Had everything been a dream? He shook his head, it was impossible for the past several weeks to have all been a dream, he remembered everything too in detail. It felt nothing like a dream. Then was he simply dreaming now? That didn’t make any sense, he could feel pain, that was proven by his arm. He sat on the bed, so staring at his wall in confusion. He wasn’t aware of how long he sat there until his mother walked in. 

“So, did you just not eat last night?” Heidi asked, walking, holding a 20 dollar bill. “Honey, you can just order everything online now, you don’t even have to talk to people on the phone. I know you don’t like the phone.” 

Evan looked up and stared at his mother. Hadn’t this happened before? He felt like this exact thing had happened before. He found himself just staring, not really knowing what to say. “But there’s still...there’s still...people. At the door.” he rambled, thinking that he must have said that before. He was growing increasingly nervous.

“It’s your senior year, Evan.” Heidi sighed. “You should get out there, make some friends. Maybe you could even get someone to sign your cast! That could be nice, right?” she tried to be encouraging. Evan just nodded slightly in response. “Have you written those letters to yourself yet? “Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why”?” she asked, genuinely concerned for her son’s well-being. 

“I, uh, no.” Evan said honestly. He didn’t want to make those notes anymore, not after what a disaster they had caused. 

“You need to do that!” Heidi said. “They could help.” she rubbed Evan’s back. “What are you still doing in your pajamas?” she asked, frowning. “You need to go to school!” she was becoming even more concerned. 

“Oh! Oh, yeah. Sorry, I-I was going to.” Evan said quickly, standing up. “I was just...I was just thinking. That’s all. Sorry.” he rambled. “But I am up now, yes. I am up.” he forced a too big smile to be convincing. “I just got to get dressed really quick and I’ll be at school faster than...faster than you can blink.” he assured. “Trust me.” 

Heidi looked her son over suspiciously. “Well, okay…” she murmured. “You should hurry, though.” she left the room.

Evan sighed in relief, his mind reeling. He had no clue what the heck was going on. He could have sworn that he’d been through all of this before. He shook his head, slowly getting dressed. He left the house, walking towards school. He tried to put all the pieces together in his head. Maybe he had fallen out of the tree in the orchard after falling asleep and had broken his arm again. That would make sense, right? But why didn’t he remember it? Why did he feel like everything that was happening had happened before? He sighed, walking into school. He was immediately faced with Alana, who seemed to be all too happy to talk to him.

“Hi! How was your summer?” Alana was smiling right at Evan. Why was she being so nice to him? He thought she hated him. “Mine was very eventful!” she went on to say, not even giving Evan the chance to respond. She went on to talk about her internships and community service, Evan zoned out. Summer? But it wasn’t like it was the start of school. What was going on? “Evan?” Evan was pulled out of his thoughts by Alana, who was looking at him in concern. “I asked what happened to your arm.” she repeated.

“Oh, I, um.” Evan honestly didn’t know. 

“My grandmother broke her hip trying to get into the bath in July.” Alana interrupted.She went on to tell Evan how said grandmother then died. Evan was slightly horrified, but mostly confused. He already knew this. Alana had already told him. Alana walked off and Evan saw Jared approach him. 

Evan didn’t even process what Jared was saying, he felt sick. Why did he already know what everyone was going to say? How had he lived all of this before? Nothing made any sense. Evan wanted to curl up in a ball and just disappear. Evan kinda tuned out everything that Jared was saying until one name caught Evan’s attention. “Hey, Connor!” Evan felt his entire body freeze. Oh no. No no no no. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. That was impossible. Jared walked away from Evan and Evan didn’t even dare turn around. “I love the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” he mocked. Evan winced, that was so mean. When Jared was only met with silence, he shifted. “It was a joke.”

“Oh, no. It was funny.” Evan felt his blood turn cold at the sound of Connor’s voice. How was he here? How was he alive? Was this even possible? “I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” his voice was dry, cold. For the first time, Evan could hear the pain in Connor’s voice. The subtle wavering of his voice that hinted that he was just barely keeping it together. Evan suddenly wanted to cry.

“Wow.” Jared smirked. “You are such a freak.” he turned on heel and left, leaving Evan alone with Connor. Evan was quite sure that he had never been this scared in his entire life. He was alone with a boy who was dead literally yesterday. 

“You think I’m a freak?!” Connor was yelling now, yelling right at Evan. Evan slowly turned around, shaking his head hurriedly. “I’m not a freak! You’re the fucking freak!”

“N-No! I don’t...I didn’t…” he stammered, Connor quickly advancing on him ad shoving him down. Evan closed his eyes, taking deep breaths as he heard Connor’s footsteps storm off. “I don’t think you’re a freak!” he called after Connor. He heard the footsteps stop. Why had Evan said that? Why did he feel the need to say anything? Why was he so stupid? Evan just kept his eyes closed, focusing on his breathing.

“What did you say?” Connor’s footsteps went back to approaching Evan.

Evan slowly opened his eyes, only to see Connor a few feet away from him. “I-I said…” he swallowed thickly. “I said that I don’t think you’re a freak.” his voice was extremely high-pitched and he could feel his hands getting sweaty. “Y-You’re not...you’re not a freak. You’re not and...and Jared never should have said that because he’s wrong and you’re not a freak.” he was speaking so quickly that he wasn’t entirely sure what he was actually saying. He just looked up at Connor, actual, alive Connor. 

Connor seemed to be taken aback. “You...you don’t think…” he shook his head. “I don’t want your pity!” he snapped.

Evan quickly shook his head, standing up. “It’s not pity. It’s not.” he said hurriedly. “I just….I just don’t think you’re a freak.” 

Connor stared at Evan, not appearing to believe him. “You don’t think I’m a freak?” he questioned. Evan quickly shook his head. He looked over him. “What happened to your arm?” he pointed to the cast.

Evan looked down. “Oh! I-I..I fell out of a...out of a tree.” he admitted. He was still extremely confused, but he was too panicked to think about what was happening.

“That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Connor said, but he had the barest hint of a smile on his face. “Can I sign your cast?” he asked.

“Huh?” Evan stared at him. “Oh, sure!” Connor seemed much gentler, calmer, sweeter. It was actually nice. 

Connor took the sharpie and wrote his name on Evan’s cast in huge letters, just like he had before. “There. Now we can both pretend to have friends.” he handed the sharpie back to Evan. 

Evan nodded as Connor turned away. “Hey!” he called out to him. “Do you maybe...want to go somewhere?” he offered. What was he doing? He honestly didn’t know.

“Somewhere?” Connor asked. “You mean like math class?”

“No, I mean like this orchard that’s really cool.” Evan didn’t know why he was suggesting this, but he didn’t know how to stop. “Like, outside of school.” was he actually offering to skip class?! Evan had never skipped a day in his life, what was he thinking? Of course Connor wouldn’t agree to go to an orchard, that sounded stupid!

“Oh. Uh, sure.” Connor took Evan by surprise. “Why not?” he shrugged. “Any place is better than here.” he offered Evan a small smile. “Lead the way.”

Evan nodded quickly. “Right, sure.” he started walking towards the exit. “Right this way!” he walked outside of the building, being followed by Connor. He had no idea what he was doing, but he hoped he was doing it right. He could figure everything else out later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I really tried. I know this chapter sucks. : ( But I hope it moved the plot along a little bit! Please leave comments, I love comments! They are my food source.


	3. A Picture Perfect Afternoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan takes Connor to the orchard and learns a little bit about his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another chapter! Thanks to everyone for all the support this has gotten, it makes me so happy, you have no idea!! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Evan was absolutely freaking out. He had no idea what his plan was or what he was thinking. He didn’t even know what was going on! He just took deep breaths, walking with Connor in silence. The silence gave Evan some much needed time to think and gather his thoughts. Okay, so he just needed to figure out what happened. He just had to think back to the beginning. He could do that, right? Okay, so what was the beginning? He learned about Connor’s death, but no. No, that wasn’t the beginning. What was the beginning? The letter! His first ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ letter! That had to be the beginning. Okay, so he had written that and then gone to school. That’s when he saw Alana, Jared, Connor, and Zoe.Connor had pushed him down and called him a freak. Evan had printed out his ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ letter, but Connor had found it. Connor had freaked out and then he’d left. Evan bit his lip, he could remember it. A few days later, he was called into the principal’s office and was told that Connor was dead. He had been carrying that note. That stupid ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ note. That’s what started the lies and the mess and that’s what started everything. One thing was for sure, and that was that Connor had been dead. Evan knew that Connor had been dead, that was what sparked everything. He looked back at Connor, who was walking quietly behind him, looking around himself. He seemed to just be enjoying the view. He was very clearly alive, so Evan had no freaking idea how any of this was possible. He knew that Connor was supposed to die. No. No, not supposed to. No one was supposed to die. Evan just knew that Connor did die. He did die in some weird alternate timeline or dream world. Evan knew that Connor still could die, but more than anything, Evan knew that he didn’t want him to. After all that Evan had done to screw up in his, what he supposed he’d call, dream timeline, this was Evan’s chance to make things right. If he could save Connor, everything would be okay. Maybe he’d even gain a friend.

Evan was walking up to the orchard before he even realized what was happening. He swallowed thickly, standing outside of the gates. “We’re here.” his voice sounded strained. He turned back to look at Connor, who seemed confused before turning almost angry.

“What the hell, is this some kind of sick joke?” Connor asked, quickly becoming defensive and making Evan stumble back several steps. “How the hell do you know about this place?!”

“N-No...I-I…” Evan stumbled over his words. “That’s not...I didn’t mean…”

“Did you think this would be funny?!” Connor advanced towards Evans, his eyes full of anger and a flash of betrayal. “Why did you bring me here?!”

“I-I..I thought it would be nice!” Evan said quickly, his back hitting the fence. “I-I thought this was….I thought this was a...a really nice place!” his voice was high-pitched and squeaky. “I-I come...I come here al- all the time, by myself!” he was lying, but he didn’t know how to stop. “It’s just really pretty and..and the trees are really fun to climb!” he was rambling, but he didn’t care. Connor honestly terrified him and he really didn’t want the guy to stay mad at him for too long.

Connor stopped, staring at Evan in disbelief with a hint of relief. “You...you didn’t know that I used to come here?” he asked.

Evan quickly shook his head. “No! No, not at all. Of course not!” he said hurriedly, his words coming out in a rush. “How would I know that? That would be ridiculous! I mean...you used to come here? What? That’s so weird.” he tried to play it off. “We could always go somewhere else if you’d like!” he said quickly.

Connor sighed and looked up, his eyes tracing the old gate. “No.” he said, and there was a firmness in his voice that Evan had never heard before. “No, we can stay here.” he nodded, as if he had been having a conversation with himself. He pushed open the gate, listening to it creak. He took a breath and walked into the orchard, stopping to turn on Evan. “Well, you coming?” he asked. 

Evan nodded, slowly walking after Connor. He let the older boy lead the way, taking slow step behind him. Neither one of them said a word as they walked deeper into the orchard, though all of the trees. Evan soon couldn’t take the silence and was quick to end it. “S-So, you said you used to come here?” he asked, looking at Connor.

Connor didn’t respond for several moments, making Evan wonder if he had even heard him or if he was just choosing to ignore him. “Yeah.” Connor said eventually. “Yeah, I used to come here as a kid.” he sighed, sounding almost sad. “God, I hate this place.” he muttered. He put his backpack on the ground and sat down on the grass.

“Y-You hate it?” Evan repeated, hesitating before sitting beside him. “Why?” 

Connor shrugged. “I used to come here with my family.” he picked a piece of grass and started tearing at it. “I...I can’t remember a single time when there wasn’t a fight.” he was twirling the blade of grass between his fingers, watching it. “We’re always fighting.” he took a breath. “I pushed Zoe out of a tree here, once.” he admitted with a short chuckle. “I don’t remember what we were even fighting about, but…” he shook his head, as if trying to will the memory away. He unzipped his backpack. “Want a joint?”

Evan was completely taken aback. He had been so caught up in what Connor was saying, his history, a little bit of light that was shed on his life. It was very obvious that Connor wanted to talk about it, but he wasn't going to. “A-A joint?” Evan repeated, watching as Connor pulled a small box out of his backpack. “You...you brought...you brought drugs to school?!” he asked, wide-eyed. 

Connor shrugged. “I usually do, yeah. Who’s gonna find out?” he smirked. He opened the box and started rolling a joint. “We could always split one, if you’d rather.” he offered, sealing the paper. Evan didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded. “You ever smoke before?” he asked, pulling a lighter out of his jacket and lighting the joint.

Evan’s mouth went dry. “W-What? Oh, y-yeah. Yes, of course.” he nodded quickly. “Yeah, lo- loads of time. Mhm.” he felt his hands begin to sweat.

Connor laughed, a true and honest laugh. It sounded nice. “You don’t have to lie.” he told him, taking a drag from the joint and watching the smoke travel through the air. “It’s okay if you haven’t. I can teach you how.” he handed Evan the joint.

Evan’s face went red, as did the tips of his ears. He slowly took the joint and placed it between his lips. He tried to smoke, but as he had no idea how to, it ended in him just coughing. “M-Maybe...maybe weed just isn’t for me. You know, I don’t think...I don't think drugs are-”

“Evan, relax.” Connor laughed, taking the joint from Evan. “No one ever said that you had to smoke.” he pushed his hair back. “You don’t have to.” he assured, taking another drag. “Go at your own pace.” he smiled kindly and Evan wasn’t quite sure how that made him feel. This Connor seemed so different from the Connor he had seen at school, and yet he wasn’t the Connor that Evan had imagined either. He was a sort of mix of the two. He was nicer than Evan had ever known him to be, a little more relaxed and open, but he was far from being completely out there. There was still this feeling of tension, as if once Evan said the wrong thing, this momentary peace would all come crashing down. 

Evan sat cross-legged, chewing on his lip. “So, uh…” he didn’t know what he was going to say, he just wanted to end the silence. “You must have some...good memories of this place, right?”

Connor’s face fell and Evan could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. “Not really.” he muttered. “I’ve never been here without my family and they’ve...polluted it for me.” he took another long drag, blowing out smoke and watching it drift away.

“Yeah, but you love your family, don’t you?” Evan asked. He adored the Murphys, they were everything he wanted in a family. To him, they were perfect. How could Connor not love them?

Connor scoffed. “I’d probably love them more if they even cared about me.” he muttered darkly.

“What?” That took Evan by surprise. “Of course they care about you. You’re their son.”

“That doesn’t mean they love me.” Connor rolled his eyes, placing the joint between his lips and inhaling deeply. “My dad thinks I’m a little queer who does everything for attention. I could never be the perfect son that he wants.” he muttered, so much hatred and disgust in his voice. “He thinks I’m a freak.” he leaned back against a nearby tree. “My mother only puts up with me because she thinks she has to. She has this idea of the perfect family that she wants so badly, so she can just pretend that if she tries hard enough, that’s what we’ll become.” he sighed. “Zoe fucking hates me.” 

Evan stared at Connor, his heart sinking. He had never thought of the Murphy family that way. They always seemed so warm and inviting and such a nice family. He never saw what Connor so clearly saw everyday. He opened and closed his mouth several times, unsure of what to say. “I...I don’t think she hates you.” was all he came up with.

“Yeah, well you don’t know her.” Connor shot back at him. He took another drag and shook his head. “Why am I even telling you this? You don’t give a shit.”

“No, I do!” Evan said quickly and honestly. “I do. I do care.” he watched Connor’s look of scepticism. “I care and I’m really sorry that you have to go through that.” 

Connor shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.” he muttered. “None of it matters.” he flicked the remainder of his joint away. He sighed and stood up. “So, what do you do around this place?” he asked.

Evan stared at Connor a moment. “Huh? Oh!” he stood up. “Well, I...I climb the trees, usually.” he said. “Or I...I watch the sky and just...think.” he tried to remember what he had told the Murphy family. “Or! There’s this ice cream place nearby!” he said. “We could...we could grab a scoop there.” he offered. 

Connor shrugged. “Do you have any money?” he asked.

“Oh.” Evan swallowed. “Um, no.”

“Me neither.” Connor laughed and shook his head. “So, there goes that idea.” He shrugged. 

Evan chuckled nervously. “Yeah.” he rubbed the back of his neck.

Connor looked at Evan’s arm. “You’re really okay with pretending to my friend?” he asked. “Me? The freak of the school?”

Evan looked down to where Connor’s name was sprawled across his cast. “Oh! Oh…” he looked up at Connor and felt a sort of confidence wash over him. “Yes. I’m absolutely sure.” Evan nodded.

Connor smiled. “Good.” he sat back and just watched the sky. Evan smiled and sat beside him, maybe everything would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it ended on a bit of a light note! The next chapter...might not. You'll have to stay tuned to find out. Please comment, feedback helps me live!


	4. A Little Bit of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor spend some more time together at the orchard, plus a brief moment of Evan with his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another chapter. I really enjoy writing this. I should be working on my Les Mis fics, but I just love all the feedback and support I'm getting for this one! I'll keep writing for as long as anyone wants it. ^_^

Evan hadn’t realized that he had fallen asleep until he was being shaken awake. He blinked several times, looking around himself. He felt the grass underneath him. His back hurt. What happened? Did he fall? He remembered falling asleep in a tree, had he fallen onto the ground? He slowly looked up and saw Connor above him. Oh. Evan remembered now. He blinked up at Connor, not entirely sure what to say or do. “Uh, hi.” 

Connor laughed, shaking his head. “Hello, yourself.” he greeted, the corners of his lips quirking up. “You fell asleep.” he pointed out, like Evan wouldn’t have realized that on his own. 

“Yeah, I figured.” Evan sat up, grunting from the pain in his back, arm, and chest. He put his working arm on his chest, frowning. This was why you’re not supposed to fall asleep in binders. He tried to adjust it slightly under his shirt, sighing in annoyance. 

Connor looked confused. “What are you doing?” he asked, watching Evan.

“Oh, it’s just my binder.” Evan explained. “Not a big deal, I’ll be fine.” he yawned a little, feeling sleepy. He wondered what time it was.

“Oh! So you’re…” Connor shifted, seeming vaguely unsure of what to do.

Evan froze. Connor didn’t know that he was trans? Evan thought everyone knew, it wasn’t exactly a secret. “Uh, I’m trans, yeah.” Evan started panicking. Would this mean that Connor wouldn’t want to be friends with him anymore? Would he try to leave as soon as possible? Evan tried to keep his breathing at a normal pace.

“Oh. Cool.” Connor shrugged. He stood up, offering his hand to Evan, which Evan gladly took. Connor pulled Evan up and looked up at the setting son. “It’s getting late.” he murmured. A smirk appeared on his face. “I’ve got an idea.” he took Evan’s arm and pulled him to the tallest tree he could find. He grinned and pulled himself onto a branch. “Come on!”

Evan stared at Connor in shock. This was exactly what he told the Murphys that Connor did. He remembered how that ended, or how he claimed that ended. He looked at his broken arm. “Connor, I don’t know…”

“Come on. Don’t be a bitch.” Connor looked down at Evan. Okay, so he was still quite a bit meaner than Evan had imagined him. Connor offered Evan his hand. “You’ve already fallen. What’s the worst that could happen?” 

Evan looked up at Connor, his face betraying his anxiety. What’s the worst that could happen? He could fall again, obviously! He could get hurt worse than he already was. He looked at Connor, standing on a tree branch, on hand wrapped around the branch above him, his other hand outstretched towards Evan. Evan almost backed out, almost refused, but then he remembered Zoe’s face whenever she talked about her dead brother. He remembered Mrs. Murphy dissolving into tears. Evan had the chance to prevent all of that. He swallowed thickly and took Connor’s hand, allowing him to pull him up. It was awkward and clumsy without the use of his hands, but Evan eventually managed to get onto the first branch. He was already out of breath. As soon as he was on the first branch, Connor was on his way to the next. “W-Wait. Connor...Connor, wait!” Evan called after him. “I-I...I need...I need a moment.” he leaned against the trunk of the tree, gasping for breath.

“You can have a break once we reach the top.” Connor said. “Don’t be such a baby, come on.” he offered his hand to Evan once again. So it went. Connor practically carried Evan up the tree, going to the branch above him so he could pull him up. They went up and up and up, until they reach the top. Connor pulled Evan onto the top branch before sitting upon it. “There we go. That wasn’t so hard, was it?” his tone was teasing, almost mocking, but playful. Evan found that he didn’t mind it at all. Connor grinned, a little out of breath himself. He looked over the orchard. “There it is.”

Evan looked up and found his breath taken away. The sunset was absolutely gorgeous from way up here. He could see the many trees that surrounded the two of them, the pink and orange sky just beyond the horizon. “It’s...it’s beautiful.” Evan whispered.

“I know.” Connor smiled. “I don’t think I ever climbed this high as a kid.” he admitted. “And I’ve never really been here after sunset. As soon as the sun started to go down, everyone was always in too much of a hurry to leave to just...enjoy it.” he seemed so peaceful, so relaxed. “It looks so different like this.” he chuckled.

“Is that a good thing?” Evan asked.

Connor smiled, looking over at Evan. “It’s a great thing.” he said. “No nagging parents, no annoying sister. This place isn’t actually half bad without them here to ruin it.” 

Evan didn’t know what to say to that, so he didn’t say anything. He just sat in silence with Connor, watching the sun dip below the horizon. They stayed up there after the sun had set, they waited for the stars to come out. Evan found himself pointing out the constellations to Connor, who made up some of his own. It was nice, almost like they were actually friends. Evan smiled, looking at the stars. “Wait, what time is it?” he asked suddenly. He hadn’t even thought about calling his mom to tell her where he was.

“Uh, I don’t know.” Connor shrugged. “Why?”

“My mom is going to be so pissed!” Evan started to panic. She was probably so worried about him. He could only hope that she hadn’t called the police yet. “How do I…How do I get down?” Evan looked around, having no clue how to get down with his broken arm.

“Well, I didn’t think about that.” Connor admitted. “Okay, relax. Just relax.” he swung down to the branch below them. “Come on, just….” he put his hands out. “Slife down, I’ll catch you.”

“Catch me?!” Evan didn’t trust that. He didn’t trust that at all. That did not sound safe. What if Connor couldn’t support his weight? Then they’d both go falling down. All it would take would be for Connor to stumble off of the branch. 

“Yeah.” Connor nodded. “Look, you can either trust me, or you can stay up there for who knows how long.” he looked at Evan. “I’m not gonna let you fall.” 

Evan took deep breaths, nodding. He couldn’t believe that he was doing this. He squeezed his eyes shut before slowly beginning to slide off of the branch. He felt gravity take hold and suddenly, he was falling. It was only for a moment, before strong arms caught him and gently set him down on the branch. Evan looked up at Connor, his face red. “T-Thank...thank you.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you trust me? I wasn’t going to let you fall, Jesus.” he rolled his eyes before climbing to the next branch. He helped Evan down the tree until they reached the bottom. Connor helped Evan to the ground. “See? I didn’t let you die.” 

Evan smiled just a little. “Thank you very much for that.” he smiled. “I’ve...I’ve really got to get home.” he sighed. “My mother is probably really worried.”

Evan didn’t miss how Connor deflated. “Right, yeah. Of course.” he nodded. “I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah, definitely!” Evan nodded quickly. He smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” he waved at Connor as he walked back towards his house. He walked alone, but for the first time in a long while, he didn’t feel alone. He felt happy, he felt proud. He had done something right. He walked into his house with a grin on his face.

“Where have you been?!” Evan flinched at his mother’s harsh tone. “I get a call from your school, saying that you didn’t show up for any of your classes, then you don’t answer your calls!” Heidi marched towards her son. “Do you have any idea how worried I was?!” she looked like she was about to cry. “I was scared!”

“I-I...I’m sorry.” Evan said quickly. “I-I was out with...with a friend and I didn’t...I didn’t realize how late it was.” he stuttered. It wasn’t a lie.

“Out with a-” Heidi closed her eyes and took deep breaths. “Did you cut school with this friend?” she asked. Evan nodded slowly. “Then they are not someone I want my son hanging out with!” she said firmly.

Evan shook his head. “N-No, Mom!” he protested. “You don’t...you don’t...you don’t understand!” he insisted. “He...he needs me!” When had he started crying? “H-He needs me...he needs me to be...to be there for him! He doesn’t...he doesn’t have anyone else!” he was trembling and crying and he wasn’t entirely sure why. He just knew that he had to help Connor, he had to. If Connor died, it would be his fault for not saving him.

Heidi’s expression immediately softened. “Hey. Hey, no.” she pulled Evan into a hug. “No. Don’t cry.” she stroked his hair. “I didn’t mean to snap.” she said quietly. “I was just...I was just so worried about you.” she kissed the top of his head.

“I-I know.” Evan sniffled. “I won’t do it again, I swear.” he promised. 

Heidi sighed, holding her boy close. “I just want you to be safe.” she closed her eyes. “That’s all.” she took deep breaths. “Alright, you’re alright. How about I order dinner and we can watch tv all night, huh? How does that sound?” she smiled.

Evan nodded, quickly wiping his eyes. “Yeah, that sounds nice.” he agreed. 

Heidi nodded. “Good.” she started to leave the room before pausing. “Hey, Ev?”

“Yes, Mom?”

“I love you.”

Evan smiled. “I love you too, Mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was mostly fluff, I know. I have almost the entirety of the next chapter planned out in my head and it's all just a matter of typing it down. The next chapter will contain feels and some actual plot. Please give all the feedback you desire and I'll continue to try and improve my writing.


	5. Do You Even Make A Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan learns a little more about Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is pretty angsty, but it's not like, cry your eyes out angsty. There's just some feels.

Connor didn’t kill himself. Not that day or the next day or the next week. Evan waited everyday, almost expecting Connor not to be at school one day, but that day never came. Connor showed up for school every day, he even attended most of his classes. After school, Evan and Connor would always go back to the orchard and just hang out until the sun set. Sometimes they’d stay even longer, climbing trees and watching the stars. They would make up their own constellations and talk about random things. It wasn’t always perfect, of course. Sometimes, they’d get to the orchard and Connor wouldn’t talk at all. He’d just sit and ignore all of Evan’s attempts to talk to him. It made Evan feel small and pathetic, not that he’d ever tell Connor that. There were days that were even worse than that. When Connor would snap at Evan, call him names, push him down. There were days when Connor was just so angry at the world and Evan honestly didn’t know why. Connor didn’t talk about personal stuff. Whenever Evan would try to coax something personal out of him, Connor would either snap at him or ignore him. The most personal they ever got was on that first day, when Connor talked about his family. They mostly talked about random stuff or about Evan. Evan talked about his mother and his life and his history. Connor offered support and a listening ear. Evan was actually quite surprised by how sympathetic he was. When things got too heavy, Connor would change the subject and deflect. Evan didn’t really mind, though. Connor was alive. Connor was his friend,not that either of them had ever said the word aloud. 

Evan walked into the school with a smile and his newly freed arm. He had his cast taken off the day before and was very grateful for that. He walked to his locker, able to get out his books without so much struggle this time. He was putting his books into his bag when he heard a voice call out.

“Hey, Hansen!” Jared jogged over to Evan. Jared and Evan hadn’t said more than a few words to each other since Evan started hanging out with Connor after school. Evan had honestly almost forgotten about him. He hadn’t meant to, of course. It was just that he was trying so hard to be a good friend to Connor, that he had forgotten about the other people around him.

Evan looked up. “Huh? Oh, hey Jared.” he greeted, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “Is something up?”

“Well, no. Not technically.” Jared muttered. “It’s just….you haven’t been talking to me and I figured that you’re probably like lonely.” he shrugged. “I know that you don’t have any friends and I don’t want you to like, kill yourself over it or something, so I am giving you the honor of talking to me.”

“Thank you, Jared. Thank you so much.” Evan said, his voice betraying a hint of sarcasm. “That’s exactly what I needed in order to not kill myself, more insults.” his level of sarcasm increased. 

Jared looked taken aback. In his experience, all Evan had ever done was try to impress him. He had never experienced this much sass coming from Evan before. “Hey, I’m your only friend-”

“Family friend. There’s a big difference.” Evan cut him off. He wasn’t sure where this new confidence came from, but he wasn’t going to waste it. Jared had been a jerk to him, so Evan would return the favor. 

Evan didn’t miss the flash of hurt that flickered in Jared’s eyes. “When did you become such a jerk?” he snapped. 

“Why are you even talking to me?” Evan shot back. “I thought you only pretended to be nice to me because of your stupid car insurance?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jared asked. “I never said that!” he said. Evan realized that Jared was right, he had never said that in this timeline. Evan quickly tried to backtrack, but honestly had no idea how.

“Well, I...whatever.” Evan slammed his locker shut and walked off, his face pink with embarrassment. That was such a stupid thing to say. Why had he said that? The memory stayed with him for the rest of the day, lingering in his mind to such an extent that he didn’t even realize that Connor wasn’t at school until lunch. He felt his blood run cold and his heartbeat quicken. Where was Connor? Was he...no. Evan couldn’t think about that. He couldn’t have failed like that. He couldn’t have failed Connor like that. He tried to take deep breaths, he couldn’t start hyperventilating, not now. He had to focus. He spotted Zoe a little ways away and quickly walked up to her. He didn’t even think before tapping her on the shoulder. 

Zoe turned around. “Hello?” she looked at Evan in confusion. It was only then that Evan realized that this Zoe had no idea who he was. He had never even spoken to her before in this timeline. He cursed himself internally for his own stupidity.

“Uh, hi.” Evan waved awkwardly. “Have you...have you seen Connor?” he asked, his hands beginning to sweat.

“Oh, he’s skipping today, obviously.” Zoe shrugged. “Why do you care?” she asked. “Wait, aren’t you that kid Connor pushed in the hallway?” 

Evan opened and closed his mouth repeatedly. “Well, I mean...yes, but…”

“Why do you care where he is?” Zoe asked. “Are you trying to get back at him or something?”

“What?” Evan quickly shook his head. “No! No, I was just...I’m just worried.”

“Worried?” Zoe looked surprised. “About my brother?” Evan just nodded in response. “All he said was something about everyone being stupid and threw a temper tantrum before storming out. Sorry, but I don’t know where he is.”

Evan nodded, chewing on his lip nervously. “Right, tha- thank you.” he said before leaving the cafeteria. He had to find Connor, but where would he be? Evan froze in his tracks. He had an idea. He quickly left the school, not telling anyone that he was leaving. He ran towards the orchard as quickly as he could, shoving the gate open with more force than was necessary. He was panting, covered in sweat, and exhausted. He looked around the orchard. “Connor?!” he called, his voice strained. He ran to the tallest tree, the tree they would usually go to. He saw a pair of legs dangling down from the top. Evan’s heart stopped. He quickly grabbed onto a branch and pulled himself up. He climbed higher and higher and higher, completely out of breath. “C-Connor?” 

Connor was sitting on the top branch, the branch he usually sat on with Evan. His face was a mask, showing no emotion, but there were still tears running down his cheeks. He was just staring at the sky, his arms wrapped around himself. Evan moved to sit on the branch beside him. He opened his mouth to say something, but knew that Connor wouldn’t respond. He just sat beside him in silence and slowly took his hand in his own. To Evan’s surprise, Connor didn’t protest or pull away. He just squeezed Evan’s hand tightly. The two of them sat in the tree together in silence for several hours. Evan’s back started to hurt, but he didn’t say a word. He just held Connor’s hand. He noticed the blood on Connor’s sleeve and felt sick, but he didn’t mention it. He just blinked away tears and watched the birds passing overhead. They watched the sunset together, hand in hand. They stayed until the stars came out. “When….did you realize that you were trans?” Connor said eventually, his face trained on the sky. His voice was rough, hoarse.

Evan was taken aback by the question. The topic of Evan’s gender had never been addressed since that first day. “Oh, uh….I’m not really sure?” Evan admitted. “I came out when I was twelve, but I think I might have known before that. I just didn’t know the word for it.” Connor nodded and they spent several more minutes in silence. “Why?” Evan couldn’t help asking. “Do you think you’re…”

“I don’t know.” Connor said after a long time, looking down. “I-I don’t know what I am.” he closed his eyes. “I just...I’m not what he wants. I’m not...I’m not that manly man who loves sports and girls and…” he was crying and Evan knew that Connor was referring to his father. 

“Hey.” Evan said gently. “Hey, Connor. You don’t...you don’t have to be like that to be a boy.” he said kindly. “Some boys are sweet and sensitive and like other things. There’s nothing… there’s nothing wrong with that.” Connor’s grip on his hand grew tighter.

“I know, but I don’t...I don’t feel like a boy.” Connor sounded so hurt, so confused. “I don’t feel...right. I don’t want to be a girl either, but I’m….I just feel so trapped.” he let out a broken sob and Evan’s heart shattered.

Evan frowned, wiping away Connor’s tears gently. “You don’t have to be a boy if you don’t want to be, Connor.” he said gently. “You don’t have to be a girl either. You can be whatever you want to be, whatever you’re comfortable with.” he pushed Connor’s hair out of his face gently. “And whatever you decide, I’ll support you. I’ll be here.”

Connor looked up, his eyes red and puffy. “Why?” he choked out. “Why do you care about me?” 

“Because you’re my friend.” Evan said without thinking. It was true though, wasn’t it? Connor was Evan’s friend. His best friend. 

Connor pulled Evan into a tight hug, pulling him close. “T-Thank you.” he whispered, hugging all of the breath out of Evan. “Thank you so much.” he held Evan and Evan hugged back. They stayed like that until Connor’s sobs gave way to quiet whimpers. Connor slowly pulled away, wiping his eyes. “God, I’m a mess.” he chuckled.

Evan smiled. “But that’s okay.” he assured. “Do you...do you want to stay at my house tonight?” he offered. He didn’t want Connor to go home alone like this. “I’m sure that my mother won’t mind. I can sleep on the couch and you can take my bed.”

Connor smiled. “I’d like that.” he nodded. He slid off the branch. “I guess I don’t have to help you down anymore, do I?” he gestured to Evan’s arm. “You’re a big boy now.” Evan rolled his eyes and laughed, swinging to the next branch all on his own. Connor whistled. “I’m impressed.” he teased. He grabbed onto another branch and pulled himself up so that he was hanging upside down from it.

Evan laughed. “Show off.” he accused. Connor just grinned and flipped himself so he was rightside up and hopped to the next branch. He laughed, hopping and doing various acrobatics to get to each branch. Evan just laughed and continued to climb down the normal away. He was looking down to see where he would next put his foot when he heard a loud crack and a shout. He saw a flash in his peripheral vision, but when he looked up, Connor was gone. “Connor?” he looked down and he could've sworn that his heart stopped in that moment. There, laying at the bottom of the tree, was Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mwhaha. Cliffhanger ending. I've been sitting on that twist for awhile. Comment suggestions, feedback, predictions, or whatever you desire!

**Author's Note:**

> So, that was the prologue! Yay! I'm already working on chapter two, so hopefully it will come out possibly sometime tonight. I left it up to you to decide if Evan fell out of the tree or just fell asleep. Please leave comments! Comments are the best thing for a writer! If there's something you like, tell me about it so I know to keep doing the same thing. If you didn't like something, please let me know so I can fix things like that in later chapters! Tell me about plot, characterization, grammar, whatever you want! : )


End file.
